Saturday, April 3, 2010

Life, Death, and Christianity

I know I said a few months ago that I was going to start blogging more. I mean, blogging. Like....writing. But then life was busy and I dropped off the face of the earth and lost my mind and....well, it just didn't happen like I had planned. But I have so many thoughts floating through my head right now and since I have not blogged anything lately, I thought I would blog my thoughts. There will not likely be much continuity to this post, so....consider yourself warned.

First of all, I cannot even express to you how excited I am that spring seems to have finally arrived. This winter was long for me. Very long. I'm not sure if I was suffering from postpartum depression, SAD, or if I was just out of it after having my 4th baby in six years, but something was definitely not right this winter. I forgot to pay bills, forgot to tithe, completely neglected any sort of Bible memorization, and basically felt like a blob for several months. I worked a lot on my branding and marketing, became easily frustrated with my kids, and somehow got lost in all the business of life. Now that spring is here, I am feeling more like myself. Still insanely busy, but happier. More energetic. And all around, I just feel better.

Spring signifies the start of new beginnings, the beauty of a new season, and lots of growth. I desire more than anything else this year to grow closer to Jesus than ever before. It's so easy to lose focus in today's culture. We busy ourselves with every little thing and sometimes oftentimes fail to make time for things that matter. Things like Jesus. My prayer is that I won't be so distracted with all the cleaning, playing, working, laundry, cooking, and enjoying life - but will focus on Him.

Tonight was difficult for me. Two weeks ago I received the heart-wrenching news that a friend of mine - who had been pregnant with triplets - lost all three babies very suddenly. She was halfway through her pregnancy, so all three babies were well-formed, tiny little people. The news was absolutely devastating to me. I am so thankful that I have never suffered through the loss of a child or even a miscarriage, but so many people who are close to me have and I know the pain must be so great. Then multiply that by three. So much in life does not seem fair. And even though, as a Christian, I know without a doubt that God has a plan and that He works out all things for the good of His people.....there is hardly an ounce of consolation in that at a time like this. At a get-together this evening, I was able to talk with my friend for the first time since the babies were delivered. We cried together as she showed me pictures of her sweet boys, relayed the story of their birth to me, and talked about what might have been. I shared with her what a mess I was in the greeting card isle at CVS as I opened up card after card after card that all seemed to say the same thing:

Cherish the memories.

What memories? She has no memories. They were born and were gone in an instant. A part of me was angry that Hallmark had nothing better to say than to cherish the memories. But another part of me was saddened by the fact that so many cards were absolutely and utterly hopeless. I simply cannot understand how reading the words 'My thoughts are with you' would be of any comfort to me during a time when I had lost a loved one. Prayers matter. Thoughts? Well, they're nice. But they aren't going to get me anywhere. Without the Lord, I have no idea how people get through the loss of a parent or sibling, let alone a child. Let alone three children. I am so thankful that my friend is a believer and can hold onto the fact that she will see her three boys once again in the future when they are reunited in heaven.

I can imagine it must be so difficult for people who suffer a miscarriage, loss of a child, or infertility. But it's also difficult on the other side of the spectrum. Daniel and I are so burdened for those who have trouble bearing children and find it difficult that we find it so ridiculously easy. We know plenty of couples who would give anything to be able to have 4 children in 10 or 15 years, but 4 children in 6 years is...well....pretty fertile. And we find it incredibly awkward to be on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum when someone close to us shares with us their loss. I'm learning to be as sensitive as possible while also wondering why the Lord has chosen to bless us so abundantly with children but has chosen not to do so with others - others who so desperately want children. I know it all reverts back to 'He has a plan', but...sometimes it seems it would be easier if only He would share that plan with us.

My heart is full of joy and sorrow today and since I know no one else who can properly handle such a mess of emotions, I will simply bask in the beauty of the Lord and trust that He does have a plan...even if I don't understand it.

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Beth Crocker said...

Thank you for these kind & very insightful words! I am a bereaved parent, having buried two of my three children as toodlers. It is everything you said & more. But because we have God, & there is a plan for everything, we can recover. Blessings to your friend. Let her know about my blog & have her contact me. My blog occassionally addresses this issue of parental grief.

The Kelly's said...

What a great post! I still struggle with my two miscarriages when we so badly want another baby. I do hold on to the hope that "God has a plan" and I cherish every single moment with the baby he did bless me with almost two years ago! Two years??? wow!!! Time flies.

Miney said...

Beautifully written, Heidi.

jamiedelaine said...

Heidi thanks for the blog comment and for encouraging me, so! Love, Jamie.